When we hear the term perfectionism, for many people negative associations come up. There’s inherently nothing wrong with the core of perfectionism: having goals and standards for oneself and wanting to achieve them. Being driven and wanting to do well is healthy, but perfectionism drives us to seek flawlessness, which is often unrealistic. When we fail to be flawless, this sets us up to be self-critical and can open the door for anxiety to set in. Perfectionism leaves no room for error, whereas having goals allows us to make errors and learn from them.
Being a perfectionist prevents us from giving credit to what we’ve accomplished, it keeps us focused on what we haven’t done right or what still needs to be done. When trying to balance perfectionism, there are skills we can call on:
Ask Yourself Self-Reflective Questions
The first is to ask “Do I know what perfect looks like to me? Or is it a moving target?” Some of us can fall into the trap where nothing is ever good enough, and we don’t have concrete and attainable goals. Another self-reflective question to ask is “Is focusing on what I’m doing wrong/criticizing myself helping me?” Much like a coach who is trying to get an athlete to improve, constantly looking at flaws and shortcomings isn’t the only way to help motivate improvement.
Recognize All-or-Nothing Type Thought Traps
Falling short of perfect does not mean we’ve failed or that “I’m a failure.” It’s important to be able to look at the entire picture and identify things we have done well or haven’t “failed” at. What is your metric for “perfect?” Zooming out to look at the bigger picture doesn’t mean we are done with trying to improve; remember we’re trying to find a balance. When we hyperfocus on the negatives and the shortcomings, the cycle of perfectionism is born.
Reflect on Self Compassion
Something that individuals with perfectionism struggle with is forgiving themselves. We are all human, which invariably means we will make mistakes. Thinking back, can you recall instances where others have fallen short, and you have been able to forgive them? We are capable of showing ourselves the same compassion and understanding if we try.
Incorporate Mindfulness
In addition to finding different ways of thinking about perfectionism, blending mindfulness with the skills above can be very effective. A simple way to begin this practice would be to sit quietly with your thoughts when they arise. Notice where in your body you feel tension. Is your stomach tight or your face warm? Focus on these areas and observe how the sensations change. Imagine those feelings being soothed by a blanket and relaxing.
There are some wonderful apps such as How We Feel, Headspace and Calm that can give guided instruction on mindfulness. A quick internet search can also provide hundreds of basic ideas to get started on mindfulness practice.
Learning to balance perfectionistic thoughts is not an overnight process. Like any learned behavior, it takes time and practice to improve. Addressing both your thoughts and physiological experiences can help begin the journey. If you continue to struggle on your own, a therapist can help guide you and nurture self-compassion.
