In a society that teaches and praises conformity, it can be hard for people to even consider the possibility of not being straight. Coming out can leave a lot at stake – family relationships, friendships, and even the loss of the heteronormative life that was envisioned. Coming out can often feel like it holds a sense of loss – loss of those relationships, or a loss of the life path that was taught. This can create a hesitancy for people in coming out, especially because the sense of loss holds with it a weight of grief, which can feel incredibly vulnerable.
The goal doesn’t have to be coming out, necessarily. Sometimes the biggest hurdle can be coming into yourself.
For decades, the concept of coming into yourself has been alluded to through various forms of psychology research – Carl Rogers’ concept of the “fully functioning person” emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance in the journey of personal development; research by Amy Edmondson has shown that the ability to show up as one’s authentic self is a key component in psychological safety.
The concept of coming into yourself also can be applied more specifically within the context of identity exploration. Coming into yourself can be viewed as the first (and maybe even the most important) piece of the puzzle in working towards psychological safety and self-acceptance.
In coming into yourself, there will likely still be a piece of grief. However, the process of coming into yourself can allow you to sit with your own vulnerability before choosing if and when to share it with others. Sexuality and identity is inherently vulnerable and personal, so why not first go through that journey with yourself, honoring the time for exploration that you need.
Reflection prompts when coming into yourself:
- Do I want a label? If so, is there an identity label that resonates with me? Try using different labels when thinking about your identity and notice what each label feels like in your body- light, fiery, heavy, tingly, etc.
- There may be a process of grieving the loss of the life I thought I would live. Are there things that have been helpful in my past experiences with grief? Often, many other feelings accompany feelings of grief. Try naming those feelings and notice if it feels possible for those feelings to all exist at the same time.
- What are some thoughts or actions that would feel affirming in my identity? This could look like starting to envision what your life may look like if you were to come out and allowing yourself to think about what fulfillment through your identity might feel like.
- Without the pressure to come out to other people, would my identity feel different if it was something I got to hold just for myself?
The philosophy of coming into yourself is meant to push back against the path of conformity, so in that spirit, it’s okay if your answers to these reflections are unique and may not look the same as someone else’s. The answers can also change over time, creating space for growth, evolution, and new information. Additionally, all of these reflections may not have answers right now, and that’s okay too; not knowing is also a part of the journey.
