Pouring Into an Unfillable Bucket

As we begin this third installment on narcissism, I want to first emphasize that this piece is not meant to tell anyone how to navigate their relationship. The ultimate decisions and choices you make will always remain very personal and yours. The intent of this series is to provide information as we don’t know what we don’t know.  My hope is you will feel encouraged to make choices and decisions about your relationship armed with awareness and intention. The book that I am using to guide this third installment is “Should I Stay or Should I Go?  Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist” by Dr. Ramani Durvasula.

It is worth noting that we are not wired to detect pathological behavior, such as pathological narcissism. On the surface, many of the behaviors are not alarming….in isolation. The full nature of narcissists may not even be detectable until a later time, and we find ourselves in the relationship before we know what has happened. This is where I invite you to hold compassion for yourself. As Dr. Durvasula states, we do not have relationship radars for personality disordered behaviors. We are going to miss these behaviors more times than we notice them. My hope in this series is to raise awareness and to provide psychoeducation.

To briefly review, when referring to pathological narcissism, we are talking about an extreme end of a personality: “A personality disorder represents personality taking to extremes, so instead of someone being orderly, he is obsessive; instead of someone being shy, she is paralyzed when she is with other people. In the case of narcissistic personality disorder, it is an inability to form deep connections with others, superficiality, and a complete lack of a basic and necessary human quality: empathy” (pg. 28). Additionally, narcissism exists on a spectrum from healthy to pathological; even within the pathological realm, this can manifest in mild ways to rather extremes ways. 

Relatedly, something I talk about with all my clients, is there are two narratives to a relationship: there is the relationship with the person, and then there is who and what this relationship represents. This will be key in being able to recognize relationship patterns that may suggest you are in a relationship with a pathological narcissist. I want to encourage those who are reading this to not only pay attention to the behaviors of your partner, but also pay attention to how your partner makes you feel. It is this awareness that may be your saving grace and guidance about whether to remain in the relationship or decide to leave.

If you are interested, there is a quiz on pages 40-43 of Dr. Durvasula’s book to consider if you fear that you are in a relationship with a pathological narcissist. This may be a good starting place before or after reading this third installment.

This installment will be divided into four sections that will address red flag behaviors, how you feel in these relationships, narratives we may hold about relationships, and resources:

1. Red Flag Behaviors

It is important that you pay attention to the pattern of these behaviors and not just the mere presence of a behavior. For example, we all have moments where we might lie, be angry, exhibit jealousy, etc. These behaviors alone do not make your partner a narcissist; it is the consistent display of all these behaviors. There are many types of narcissists, and there can be many combinations of these behaviors, with some being more prominent or extreme than others.

As you look at the below list of behaviors, consider if your partner exhibits these behaviors more times than not.

The behaviors I am going to highlight are in bold:

1. Lack of empathy
2. Grandiose
3. Entitled
4. Manipulative
5. Angry and rageful
6. Paranoid
7. Hypersensitive
8. Jealous
9. Lack of guilt/lack of insight
10. Needs constant admiration and validation
11. Lying
12. Everything is a show
13. Projection
14. Greedy
15. Emotionally cold
16. Gaslighting
17. Cheap
18. Never takes responsibility
19. Vain
20. Controlling
21. Takes advantage of others (or you) on a regular basis
22. Engages in shaedenfraude (revels in the misery of others)
23. Does not like to be alone
24. Poor boundaries
25. Infidelity
26. Doesn’t listen
27. Fragile
28. Careless
29. Seductive

Anger with a narcissist is frequently expressed as rage, and the anger is never proportionate to the situation. The narcissist is so vulnerable to attacks on their self-esteem that they often perceive that others are trying to insult them or that they’re being slighted, and anger/rage will be expressed as a result. Remember, the narcissist cannot tolerate disappointment or being told they are not enough. Pay attention to how your partner responds while driving. Pay attention to how your partner shares about receiving feedback at work. Do you notice a pattern of disproportionate anger to situations?

Controlling behaviors also can be seen through variable reinforcement. Think about a slot machine. We become so addicted to slot machine gambling because we never know when, but we will be rewarded. This is what happens in a relationship with narcissist. We will get that heart emoji. We will be showered with love. We never know when, we just know it will happen, and it feels so good when it does.

Poor boundaries: Here, too, we need to remember that the narcissist relies on others to regulate their internal and emotional lives. They will frequently cross boundaries, and when confronted, will exhibit limited insight and lack empathy as to why the boundary violation would be upsetting to you. 

2. You

I want to turn towards you, the person reading this who is wondering if they are in a relationship with a narcissist. As I noted throughout the above highlighted traits, pay attention to their behavior as well as how you are left feeling. Dr. Durvasula highlights 11 feelings you may often feel if you are in a relationship with a narcissist:

1. Feeling “not good enough” – this is highlighted as the mantra of someone in a relationship with a narcissist
2. Self-doubt and second guessing
3. Chronically apologetic
4. Confusion and often feeling “you are losing your mind”
5. Helplessness and hopelessness – we begin to see that we will never “win”
6. Feelings of sadness or depression
7. Feeling anxious or worried
8. Feeling unsettled
9. Anhedonia (loss of pleasure in things you used to enjoy)
10. Shame (feelings of “I am bad” or “I am the mistake”)
11. Mental and emotional exhaustion

The exhaustion can come from many of the behaviors reviewed above. Poignantly, Dr. Durvasula writes, “Narcissists, with their rather shallow emotional worlds tend to argue from a place of logic, something that can be frustrating if you are having an emotional argument (which is what many arguments in relationships consist of). In a logic-versus-emotion smackdown, logic always wins (logically), but that does not mean the issues gets resolved, and the person who is experiencing emotion during the argument is often left feeling foolish. So, you write a loving and clear email that is a literary and poetic wonder, because you just want to get it down and not be interrupted or debated” (pg. 147).

Recognizing you are in a relationship with a narcissist is going to be as much about identifying the red flags as it is about how you feel in response to your partner’s behaviors.

3. Relationship Narratives

When I work with clients, this often means we look at attachment, and we begin to understand what our template is for relationships both with ourselves and others. Become familiar with your history of relationships. Did you have caregivers who were narcissistic? Do you desire to rescue others? What traits would your ideal partner have?

Take inventory of your relationships in your life. Attachment is what provides for us an internal sense of security, and it is comprised of experiences of being seen, soothed, and safe. What did this look like for you in your life? Were you expected to care for your parent? Did you have to walk on eggshells? Were you free to express? Was love conditional? Answering these questions can be incredibly illuminating for my clients, as we rarely stop to consider the impact of our early childhood experiences with caregivers on our relationship with others and ourselves. These experiences impact our relationships in the future.

What leads to being in a relationship with a narcissist is multifaceted, much of which is influenced by our society and messaging about what makes a relationship work. Our society loves the idea of the rescue fantasy – we can love our partners into changing. This is where, I believe, we have been duped. We are led to believe that if we just do a little more, love a little more, offer more understanding, just work harder, then we will obtain what we want. That everything can be fixed by our effort; if it is not getting better, then we must not be exerting enough effort. We need to let go of the grip on the fantasy of being able to rescue our partner.  If we do not, “This relationship has likely become an invisible prison, with your self-doubt as the bars of your own cell” (pg. 215).

Dr. Durvasula has an incredible image of what it is like to have a relationship with a narcissist: it is like a bucket with a hole in it – no matter how much you pour of yourself into this person, the bucket will never fill. This is why these relationships are exhausting. To boot, the narcissist will be using several people (supply) to fill the proverbial unfillable bucket. 

Given the behaviors reviewed, you may be asking yourself how you got into this type of relationship, and the answer is that it builds over time. On the surface, some of the actions and behaviors are benign and innocuous; however, it is the consistency of them over time that make them unhealthy, toxic, and problematic.

These individuals are seductive and magnetic. Let’s look at some of these traits:

1. Skilled at winning “the game”
2. 3 C’s: charismatic, charming, and confident
3. Intelligent and well-informed
4. Attractive
5. Passionate and creative
6. Articulate
7. Great branding
8. Visionary

Incredible, right? This is very enticing. If we take the first one, winning the game, the narcissist is committed to playing the game rather than the relationship. This is a significant distinction! The pursuit is not after you the person, it is after the source of attention, admiration, and praise.

And who wouldn’t want a partner who is charismatic, charming, and confident? This describes the proverbial Prince Charming. These qualities alone are not problematic; however, within the narcissistic, they are as they are not matched with depth, empathy, and kindness. These are superficial traits without any internal anchoring. These now become ways to play the game rather than create deep and meaningful connection. Relatedly, there is a difference between being intelligent and well-read and filled with wisdom – with wisdom there is depth that lends itself to empathy and compassion.

Dr. Durvasula states that the narcissist works from the outside because the inside is empty; she further explains: “Just as a good actor can play any role, the emptiness of the narcissist allows him to behave in ways that are inconsistent with his inner experience. When we are not feeling confident, most of us do not look confident because our inner worlds are reflected in how we appear to the outside world. This is not the case with narcissists – they are experts at hiding their vulnerabilities and putting on an act” (pg. 114).

4. Resources

Whether you stay or leave, I would encourage you to work with a therapist versed in narcissism.  It will be hugely important that you learn to rebuild the trust of yourself as well as the trust of others. In many ways, it may feel like rebuilding yourself. It will take time, and so proceed gently and patiently. If you leave, do not expect closure from a narcissist. There will be no making them miss you and them discovering the error of their ways; the only closure you will receive will be your own healing.

If you are interested in learning more, please check out the following resources:

• Arabi, S. (2016).  Becoming the narcissists nightmare: How to devalue and discard the narcissist while supplying yourself.
• Arabi, S. (2017). Power: Surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse: A collection of essays on malignant narcissism and recovery from emotional abuse.
• Durvasula, R. (1994) It’s not you: Identifying and healing from narcissistic people.
• Durvasula, R. (2021) “Don’t you know who I am?” How to stay sane in an era of narcissism, entitlement, and incivility.
• Durvasula, R. (2015).  Should I stay or should I go?  Surviving a relationship with a narcissist.
• Morningstar, D. (2017).  Out of the fog: Moving from confusion to clarity after narcissistic abuse.
• Zung, R. (2023).  Slay the bully: How to negotiate with a narcissist and win.

• Dr. Ramani’s YouTube channel as well as Podcast, also on YouTube entitled @NavigatingNarcissismPod.