Tips of the Month — Couples

Think it’s only the little tykes who seek security by clinging to their tattered blanket, like sweet Linus from the Peanuts gang dragging his security blanket everywhere? Think it’s only kids who get deeply attached to something — or someone — and look to it for absolute comfort? Think again.

It happens all the time with our partner: the wish to win the argument, to Be Right, without regard for collateral damage. But too often, my personal “win” becomes a “loss” for us. Despite my victory, we’re feeling disconnected, no closer than when the argument began.

In this text exchange, the responder might be playful … or angry … or indifferent — we can’t know for sure. That’s because all we see are the words; we don’t hear emotion.

Have you ever seen two-year-olds side by side in a playground sandbox, shoveling sand into their pails but essentially indifferent to one another’s behavior — leaving each other alone as they tend to their own activity? It’s called parallel play, each toddler engaged in an independent activity that is similar to but not influenced by or shared with the others.

Of all the darker human emotions — sad, angry, afraid, hurt, disappointed, jealous, etc. — there’s only one that’s always toxic, only one that’s sure to wreak havoc on our relationships. Perhaps because of its toxicity, it’s the emotion least understood or talked about: shame.

Have you ever found yourself bickering with your partner over what really happened? Debating your version versus mine? How easily we forget that there are always two realities at play: objective reality and emotional reality.

We use the word a lot — trust — but what do we mean when we say it? What aspects of our relationship are we referring to when we use that word?

Do you know that there's a better and a poorer way to complain, to voice grievances with your spouse? It starts with knowing the difference between a complaint (which focuses on behavior) and criticism (which focuses on the person). Avoid criticizing; practice complaining.