Tips of the Month — Families

In moments of frustration, many of us use self-demeaning expressions. Or we sigh and our face transmits the deep disappointment we’re feeling toward ourselves. In those moments, we’re failing to offer ourselves compassion — the kindness, caring and understanding we might offer a friend or even a stranger. We’re forgetting when we put ourselves down that imperfection is part of being human, that mistakes don’t define us or make us less worthy than others.

Do you let your four-year-old always win at CandyLand, or your eight-year-old at Monopoly? Do you fake fatigue at tennis so your twelve-year-old comes out ahead? Many well-intentioned parents purposely dumb down their game in the belief that it will be more fun for the youngsters if they come out the winner — and maybe, through all those victories, enjoy a boost to their self-esteem. It’s a short-sighted strategy.

Many parents have been seduced by the appealing but dangerous notion of parent-as-friend. The generation gap that existed forty or fifty years ago has narrowed as parents have adopted youthful ways of dress, of lifestyle, of thinking, making the demarcation between generations harder to find nowadays — and making it easier to pursue the idea of friendship with our kids.

Our children are bombarded by toxic messages — from media and television, from peers and perhaps from us — about what’s required in order to be acceptable, in order to be fully loved: be smarter, be thinner, be stronger, be more popular, do more, do better, do your best … It’s an endless stream of prerequisites to feeling worthy. The underbelly of those messages is the unspoken take-away: I’m not enough just as I am. I’m not smart enough, thin enough, strong enough, popular…

Both “Ouch, that’s hurtful” and “I’d like to apologize” are ways we make ourselves vulnerable — not always easy to do with our kids. To apologize — to admit that we erred — can seem like we’re giving up our power as parents, relinquishing our authority and losing our position.

The Roman author, Cicero, had no way of knowing that 2,000 years after he expressed those words, science would find solid evidence that friendship is indeed a key ingredient in the lives of the happiest — and healthiest — people.

Consequences — a catchword of modern parenting. Time-out is a consequence. So is docking allowance, withholding privileges, grounding from social life. The conundrum, of course, is knowing what the right consequence should be to fit the "crime."

If you're a partnered parent, call the children into the room the next time the two of you slip into an argument. "Kids, we're having an argument and we want you to watch, listen and learn." If this suggestion sends shivers down your spine, know you're in good company. "We try not to fight in front of the kids" are words uttered by tens of millions of moms and dads.