For many, February is synonymous with love. (We can thank Valentine's Day for that!) Although romantic relationships get most of the attention around this time, we can shine a spotlight on the other relationships in our lives, too: our relationships with friends, family, coworkers, our community, etc.
One relationship we might not consider celebrating is the relationship we have with ourselves. But what would it be like if we gave ourselves some attention and care, too? One way to do this is through the use of self-affirmations.
Self-affirmations aren’t just “fluff”
Contrary to popular belief, self-affirmations are different from “positive affirmations.” Positive affirmations are typically more generic, whereas self-affirmations are more specific and help connect you to your identity, your unique core values, and how you hope to show up in your life.
It may be easy to dismiss self-affirmations as corny, cliché, or maybe even trivial, but keep in mind this practice is backed by research. Studies have shown that self-affirmations can help us cope with threatening or challenging situations more easily (Critcher & Dunning, 2015), increase motivation (Critcher & Dunning, 2015), decrease negative thinking (Koole et al.,1999), and improve health (Cohen & Sherman, 2014).
Even though self-affirmations can have a meaningful impact, the truth is that many of us don’t find them helpful, or it feels like we aren’t connecting to the words we are saying. If this sounds like yourself, consider these three tips that can help make self-affirmation practice more applicable:
Tip #1: Be authentic and tailor them to yourself
When many of us think about self-affirmations, we think of “I_” formats such as:
- I am resilient/capable/enough/strong/beautiful/smart, etc.
- I protect my peace.
- I can handle uncomfortable and tough moments.
- I deserve happiness.
- I can do this.
And these are all great! However, self-affirmations can be formatted in many ways — they don't need to start in any particular way, nor is there one specific right way to do them. Self-affirmations don’t need to be sentimental. The only criteria are whether they feel authentic and help connect you to you and your values.
So, be creative and try out different ways of talking to yourself! Let your personality come through and find language that feels familiar — even if that means adding a swear word here or there. Creating affirmations that mirror how you typically speak can help increase the likelihood of them working.
Examples of affirmations that don’t follow the traditional “I_” format:
- Oof. This sucks, but I can make it through, because I am practicing leaning into discomfort.
- No matter how this presentation goes, I will remember that I am more than my output at work. I have other things I care about in my life, like my friends and family.
- Yes, not knowing what the future holds feels scary, and I believe in my ability to tolerate uncertainty.
- My mind can be a real jerk sometimes. I don’t need to listen to it.
- Today I will continue to trust that just because I can read other people’s emotions doesn’t mean it’s my responsibility to fix them.
- Even though I don’t like how I reacted in that situation, I will learn from it and give myself permission to move on, because I’m trying to practice forgiveness towards myself.
Of course, these are just guideposts and examples. Have some fun with it and try out formats that feel good to you!
Tip #2: Make them realistic — don’t say things you don’t believe or care about
If what you're saying to yourself doesn’t resonate, include topics you don’t particularly value, or you really don’t believe what you’re saying, the affirmations likely won’t work well.
Now, you don’t need to fully believe in the self-affirmation for it to make a difference. Creating affirmations you are neutral towards or believe even a little bit can start the process of strengthening your self-worth, letting go of negative beliefs, and increasing self-confidence.
For example, if you are trying to improve your body image but genuinely don’t like the way you look, saying something like “I like my body” simply may not be believable to you.
Meet yourself where you’re at and play around with creating something more neutral or believable, such as “I am learning to become more tolerant of the way I look.” There is no harm in starting “small” and working your way through different affirmations as time goes on.
Tip #3: Be flexible
Writing self-affirmations in a journal or elsewhere is common practice, but not the only way to practice affirming yourself.
Other ideas:
- Say the affirmations out loud to yourself
- Draw, create, or use art to depict the message and values in your affirmations
- Record yourself saying affirmations on your phone and play them during moments where you may want to lean on them
- Download a self-affirmation app and save pre-created affirmations that resonate with you and tweak them to suit your needs
It’s also important to be flexible with when you use them. Being consistent with using self-affirmations increases the likelihood of them making a difference, but the practice doesn’t need to be rigid.
For example, you can use affirmations when thinking about situations that occurred in the past, moments that are happening in the present, or future situations.
Don’t get down on yourself if you go a while without practice. You can always come back to your self-affirmations. And be patient with yourself — this work doesn’t need to be perfect for it to be meaningful!
Closing thoughts
As our TVs feature rom-coms and stores fill up with chocolate hearts and red-colored cards, consider spending some time affirming yourself. After all, of all the relationships you have in your life, the one you have with yourself deserves celebration and encouragement, too.
Cohen, G.L. and Sherman, D.K. (2014) ‘The Psychology of Change: Self-affirmation and Social Psychological Intervention’, Annual Review of Psychology, 65(1), pp. 333–371.
Critcher, C. R., & Dunning, D. (2015). Self-affirmations provide a broader perspective on self-threat. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41(1), 3-18.
Koole, S. L., Smeets, K., van Knippenberg, A., & Dijksterhuis, A. (1999). The cessation of rumination through self-affirmation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(1), 111–125.