relationship

“Just as there are no great achievements without setbacks, there are no great relationships without conflicts and problems along the way.”*

Childhood experiences greatly influence our adult relationships, choices, and habits. Some experiences children face, though, are far more detrimental than others. Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is an atrocity that causes a great deal of pain and suffering for adult survivors, and researchers have continued to study the long-term effects of CSA on adults.

Machines that seem to care? Psychologist Sherry Turkle is referring to robots designed to function as companions. But she might as well be referring to Facebook and email and text messaging — all the ways we experience ourselves, via our devices, as the target of other people’s interest. The ding announces an email received and our heart speeds up: someone cares, someone is interested. Ditto when the sweet chime announces a text message, or new entries appear on our Facebook page.

We’re thirsty — and so we say, “I need a drink.” We’re hungry and we say, “I want something to eat.” But when it comes to our essential need for secure attachment, we’re tongue-tied about saying, “I’m feeling insecure and need reassurance.”

Think it’s only the little tykes who seek security by clinging to their tattered blanket, like sweet Linus from the Peanuts gang dragging his security blanket everywhere? Think it’s only kids who get deeply attached to something — or someone — and look to it for absolute comfort? Think again.

It happens all the time with our partner: the wish to win the argument, to Be Right, without regard for collateral damage. But too often, my personal “win” becomes a “loss” for us. Despite my victory, we’re feeling disconnected, no closer than when the argument began.

In this text exchange, the responder might be playful … or angry … or indifferent — we can’t know for sure. That’s because all we see are the words; we don’t hear emotion.

Have you ever seen two-year-olds side by side in a playground sandbox, shoveling sand into their pails but essentially indifferent to one another’s behavior — leaving each other alone as they tend to their own activity? It’s called parallel play, each toddler engaged in an independent activity that is similar to but not influenced by or shared with the others.

Many parents have been seduced by the appealing but dangerous notion of parent-as-friend. The generation gap that existed forty or fifty years ago has narrowed as parents have adopted youthful ways of dress, of lifestyle, of thinking, making the demarcation between generations harder to find nowadays — and making it easier to pursue the idea of friendship with our kids.

Of all the darker human emotions — sad, angry, afraid, hurt, disappointed, jealous, etc. — there’s only one that’s always toxic, only one that’s sure to wreak havoc on our relationships. Perhaps because of its toxicity, it’s the emotion least understood or talked about: shame.